I’m beginning to get the whole “funemployment” concept. Nothing could possibly be more self-indulgent than spending Wednesday morning (it’s Wednesday, right?) in the loose-fitting clothes I slept in, sipping on a hot cup of coffee from Cafe Du Monde in New Orleans, and listening to CCR as loud as I please as I sift through my own jokes and material.
As much as I’m enjoying this unprecedented tranquility, sadly, peace and quiet don’t pay the bills— unless you’re one of the Hare Krishnas down the street from my apartment (and even then, pretty sure most of those dudes live in their cars). With that in mind, enjoy this “Best of” from my last few years. No doubt I missed a few diamonds in the rough, but if these are enough to get just one person to soil him/herself—or even better—offer me a writing job after they’re done cleaning up, then it’s been worth it!
2013 SO FAR — RIPS AT THE HEADLINES
BREAKING: Jason Collins becomes first active NBA payer to publicly admit playing for Washington Wizards.
Kinda insane that we have our first openly gay NBA player before our first openly gay Tom Cruise.
A Teen Mom sex tape isn’t low-hanging fruit. It’s fruit that’s been picked, washed, dried & sold under a mildly racist name at Trader Joe’s.
Does Tim Tebow still get into Heaven now that he’s been given a release?
Question on everyone’s mind midway through second round: Who gets picked first— Honey Badger, Grumpy Cat, or ERMAHGERD girl!?
My mitzvah for today was making a Kickstarter to finally get Zach Braff laid.
A library dedicated to George W. Bush is like an abused women’s shelter dedicated to Chris Brown.
WHITE HOUSE: George W. Bush’s new presidential library is the first with short bus parking.
Shouldn’t George W. Bush’s presidential library just be online?
It says a lot about the state of our country when France approves gay marriage, yet French marriage isn’t even legal in every American state
SIX MILLION* (*Number of Beliebers who’ve called Anne Frank a bitch on Twitter in past 24 hours despite not knowing who Anne Frank is.)
14-year-old Guan Tianlang would be so popular with the girls back home in China after making the cut at The Masters if his country had girls
Fun fact: 80% of girls dressed like hippies at Coachella shouting “FEEL THE LOVE” have trust funds, are physically incapable of feeling love
Coachella is named after an even crappier flying class still available on several South American airlines (hence the smells & sounds).
Let’s be honest, The Masters probably won’t make up for everything completely until they call it The Slaves one year.
Taking a moment to thank Mark Zuckerberg for making another version of Craigslist where all my friends can sell their Coachella tickets.
My bracket dominated my friends’ this year because I had Coke Zero winning it all.
As a movie buff, I can only pray Margaret Thatcher had the chance to watch Meryl Streep’s performance in The River Wild before dying.
EVERYONE SHUT UP ABOUT THE IRON LADY DYING I HAVEN’T WATCHED LAST NIGHT’S GAME OF THRONES YET
EVERYONE SHUT UP ABOUT ANNETTE FUNICELLO DYING I HAVEN’T WATCHED LAST NIGHT’S MAD MEN YET
When it comes to film critics, I’d still take Hologram Roger Ebert’s word over regular Peter Travers’.
One of the Buckwild stars has died. MTV plans to pay tribute by airing music videos again, starting with “MTV killed the Reality Star.”
Ashley Judd abandons Kentucky Senate run, but vows to continue crowning herself homecoming queen at UK basketball games until further notice
ENGLAND: “Silly Americans, you’d have gay marriage too by now if you were run by a Queen.”
The only thing Amanda Knox is guilty of murdering is our standard for a femme fatale, which now includes “okay for an Olive Garden hostess.”
BREAKING: Lululemon recalls chicks’ yoga pants for being too see-through, Obama declares nation in yoga recession.
Tiger Woods would’ve had his portraits with Lindsey Vonn taken at Sears, but the odds were too high 6 of the children in line would be his.
If there truly is a God, the new pope’s walk-out music will be The Waitresses’ ‘I Know What Boys Like.’
Gotta feel for Jerry Sandusky—he put in YEARS of hard work training for pope, and now he’s getting shafted—by the Vatican AND his cellmate.
BREAKING: New pope Hologram Tupac emerges from Sistine Chapel chimney, addresses Catholic faithful “WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, POPECHELLA?!”
Know what would’ve been INSANE? If this Cannibal Cop guy had been vegan.
Apologies to the throng of Catholics gathered below my apartment balcony. That was pot smoke, not pope smoke.
Black smoke over the Vatican means the cardinals got caught up not picking a pope and went 108 minutes without pushing the button, right?
Apparently there was an earthquake in LA while I was pooping just now. I feel like a Russian boy who farted just before last month’s meteor.
“Crack was the original Harlem Shake.” —Someone actually from Harlem
Siri on my iPhone absolutely refuses to call Manti Te’o. Not sure if it’s because she can’t pronounce his name or they dated in the past.
IKEA used horse meat to make their Swedish meatballs, but we’re only finding out now because every order was missing at least one hoof.
BREAKING: Pope Benedict XVI to resign after revealing imaginary “relationship” with dead Christ, could fall as low as 3rd round in NFL draft
“Filibuster” sounds like a word made up by a pouty six-year-old because it’s when politicians pout and make things up like six-year-olds.
Parliament approves gay marriage on the same day Bridget Jones 3 gets its release date? God, even British PR STUNTS look down on Americans’!
BREAKING: The Onion drops C-word, inadvertently reveals latest iPhone software update autocorrects “Kristen Stewart” to “Quvenzhané Wallis.”
Ben Affleck hasn’t been snubbed this bad since Matt Damon got most of the credit for that Oscar-winning screenplay Matt Damon wrote most of.
The most shocking thing Arnold Schwarzenegger could be doing in his naked photo would be having sex with a woman who’s actually attractive.
“Silver Linings Playbook” was about how Tim Tebow sucks at football, but wins in life because he’s buddy-buddy with Christ, right?
The State of the Union exists as a reminder for Americans to be thankful for our priceless constitutional liberties. Like commercials.
DID YOU KNOW: Marco Rubio’s family crest consists of a deer, headlights, and Poland Spring bottled water.
I find Psy’s pistachio commercial particularly offensive because personally, I don’t believe eunuchs should be allowed to endorse nuts.
Ohhhh, it was NFL PLAYER Chris Culliver who said those terrible things about gays and not Chris Colfer from Glee? That makes way more sense.
Megan Fox once compared Michael Bay to Hitler, so it only makes sense for him to cast her in his new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles holocaust.
If Quvenzhané Wallis wins Best Actress, chances are the guy who prints the winning cards was wiping spilt coffee off his keyboard.
Missed the first 40 minutes of Oprah’s Lance Armstrong interview because I’m stoned and couldn’t find OWN on my DVR. Did he cheat?
Fun fact: “Best In Show Banana Joe” was our vice president’s college nickname.
BREAKING: North Korea’s Kim Jong-un finally receives mail-order bride Dennis Rodman nearly 17 years after ordering.
In Manti Te’o’s defense, the entire Notre Dame football team was nonexistent during that BCS title game.
I’m legitimately surprised Kim Kardashian is carrying Kanye West’s baby and not a Nigerian prince’s.
Does Yoshinoya offer specials on Puppy Bowl Sunday?
Chris Christie ate a doughnut on Letterman last night. He also ate a doughnut in the shower, in the car, and at not the gym this morning.
“Awwww, isn’t that cozy little cabin just a-Dorner-able?!” —Zooey Deschanel
BREAKING: Hackers reveal George W. Bush thought 9/11 attacks took place on October 11th until 2006, “was always forgetting about February.”
BREAKING: Monopoly to replace iron with hat, top hat with Girls on Blu-ray. Railroads to become bike lanes, Mediterranean Ave gentrified.
Beyoncé may have lip-synched the national anthem at Obama’s inauguration, but more importantly, it wasn’t Kid Rock lip-synching at Romney’s.
In Al Roker’s defense, his forecast for the day he crapped his pants WAS “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.”
Women are now eligible for combat. Just don’t tell Chris Brown.
Today would’ve been Bob Marley’s 68th birthday. Stoners around the world will celebrate by smoking two joints tomorrow.
Be honest. Would it really be that tragic if Kim & Kanye had a miskarriage?
Why hasn’t Pitbull been euthanized yet? He clearly has an enzyme making his music shittier than other rappers.
BREAKING: Lance Armstrong to admit to Oprah he won 7 consecutive Tour de France titles using training wheels.
Swear to God, if people start lighting their homes on fire and Instagramming it with “#DORNERING”… Who am I kidding, that’d be hilarious.
So wait, was Manti Te’o dating Bruce Willis this whole time?
Chris Brown slammed his Porsche into an alley wall over the weekend. In his defense, lots of alley walls look like Rihanna’s face.
Call Pope Benedict XVI a quitter all you want— nowhere in the Bible does it say you can’t go out on top (of a 12-year-old altar boy).
BREAKING: Lance Armstrong to admit to Oprah he used drugs to overcome testicular cancer, not yellow Livestrong bracelets.
My favorite part of the inauguration is when the President must pick the correct American flag from the front of the Capitol to be sworn in.
One of the Glee guys may have forced unprotected sex on a girl, but I bet he nailed the shit out of some One Direction song while he did it.
Sad to lose ‘California’s Gold’ host Huell Howser, more widely known as everyone ever’s experience smoking pot for the first time.
It’s troubling that there are people out there who believe Punxsutawney Phil predicts the seasons but not in gun control or gay marriage.
I bet if Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend had gone to ASU, he’d still have gotten real herpes.
Anyone else have no idea J.J. Abrams’ ancestors changed their family name from Binks when they arrived at Ellis Island?
I have a great relationship with my dad, but it’s hard not to be jealous of the father-son chemistry Hulk Hogan has with his son, Brooke.
Do you ever notice yourself missing Andy Rooney out loud in a naggy, inquisitive tone?
Christopher Dorner doesn’t appear to have much faith in the “I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy” defense.
Happy birthday to Kate Moss, who hits 39 today. (Pounds.)
Rick Ross was targeted in a drive-by shooting last night. Since he wasn’t hit, we can only assume Stevie Wonder wants Rick Ross dead.
Stoked to get a hold of a Lincoln screener, but really, 2.5 hours?! I know he dies; can someone just tell me when the Harlem Shake scene is?
LeBron James schedules wedding for Yom Kippur. Thought he’d be more of a Passover guy, seeing his hairline recedes faster than the Red Sea.
Rand Paul is Tyler Perry’s unfunniest character yet.
If someone smokes a bunch of weed and suddenly knows a bunch of different languages, is that called “Rosetta Stoned”?
Has there ever been an uncommonly attentive porn star named Amber Alert?
Cocky jockeys brag about being “hung like a miniature horse.”
Ran into Bob Seger at Medieval Times last week. He was workin’ on his knight moves.
I listen to Beethoven in the bathroom because I prefer dramatic movements.
Shouldn’t the musical ‘Ragtime’ only come to town once a month?
A little disappointed we’ve yet to see an interfaith boy band called “Goyz II Mensch.”
If Carey ever has an abortion, she can just call it “Taking a Mulligan.”
I wonder if Usher’s parents are surprised he’s been more successful than his brother Concierge and sister Valet.
BREAKING: Doctors diagnose Chili’s menu with Assburgers.
I bet Bob Dylan’s been going to the same farmer’s market for decades and the poor tangerine man has spent the whole time pining for a “Hey.”
It was safe to assume prosecutors wouldn’t be handling Jerry Sandusky with kid gloves.
Shot a disgusting video of two sexy female friends of mine multitasking this last weekend— we’re calling it ‘2 Birds 1 Stone.’
If the Beatles had had fake tans and hit girls in their early days, they totally could’ve had a reality show called ‘Mersey Shore.’
You can only assume Oscar Pistorius probably killed his girlfriend because she said their relationship didn’t have legs.
Forrest may have been stupid, but he had a lotta Gumption.
If a grown woman actually wants to have sex with Justin Bieber, chances are it’s only because she has a statutory rape fantasy.
Dreamt I opened up a bakery called The Dutch Oven. Upon waking up, my girlfriend was mad at me for following my dream.
“He went to Jared!” —Roommate of dude who buys weed from dude named Jared
Kim Kardashian probably drank a lot of whorechata growing up.
Last-minute gift-wrapping is the one time I’m incapable of folding under pressure.
Hearses must be killer for tailgating.
Foodie cannibals are only looking for a little piece of mind in what they eat.
Vegan food trucks give everyone a bad wrap.
In Mexico, every kiss begins with “¿Que?”
In college, James Todd Smith performed under the name “Hillel Cool J.”
Does Canada have a comparably talentless heiress named Paris Horton?
My Twitter feed has more spoilers than the complete Fast and the Furious box set.
FACT: No one on TV during the ’80s ate more pussy than ALF.
Any hack can catch fish with a lure on a pole. Master baiters just jerk off into the water.
Are French women referred to as a “douchebaguettes”?
Banal sex strikes me as a fittingly untapped porn genre.
LL Cool J must be a bitch to pronounce in Spanish.
I recently changed my OkCupid username to “Lay Miserables.”
Going #2 whilst the U2 song ‘One’ plays over the bathroom speakers reeks of irony.
I bet Nick Notle eats a lot of Chipotle.
“Keep calm and— CARRION!!!” —Unoriginal hyenas
You can’t say “cologne” without “alone.”
Anyone else surprised Soon Yi never got an endorsement deal with Blow Pops?
Anyone else surprised Dick Vitale never got an endorsement deal with Viagra?
Pitching a new reality show about crazy people to CBS this week. I’m calling in ‘The Mentalest.’
Girl, have I told you about my crepe fantasy? You pull up in a crepe van & abduct me. My crepe whistle falls upon deaf ears. All in French.
How come North Koreans always be menstruasian’?
Adele gave birth to a Del Taco.
Considering starting a pet delivery company called MammalGrams. Surprise your special lady with a kitten or puppy every 1-2 years!
All Tampa pro sports teams should be required to change their names to the Strings.
Sources close to The Situation should probably get tested.
Let’s be real. The only reason Beyoncé would ever lie about her pregnancy would be if she secretly had a Destiny’s Abortion.
Can’t believe the song is called ‘Nights in White Satin’ and not ‘Knights in White Satin’; totally thought it was about fabulous cavalry.
After watching her choke on her own vomit and die on Breaking Bad, I’m kinda done wishing that I had Jesse’s girl.
Chris Brown’s most impressive performance as a dancer: around the legal system.
The cost of the Royal Wedding was rumored as high as 80 million pounds… 80 million pounds of Who gives a shit, to be precise.
Whenever a former ‘Real World’ star dies, I automatically assume the cause of death was a broverdose.
What happens when a “rogue” cop (Sarah Palin) has to partner up with a “cocky” new officer who happens to be A CHICKEN?! TARD AND FEATHERED!
Debra Morgan should get her own ‘Dexter’ spin-off called ‘Bay Harbor Butch-er.’
Why hasn’t Connecticut renamed its women’s basketball team the Husky Bitches yet?
The most annoying, talentless rich kids get all their toys at LMFAO Schwartz.
Passing on a free snack from this tire store vending machine because it doesn’t have a Michelin star. I can be such a snob sometimes.
If someone turns to their bathroom tissue after wiping for psychoanalysis, is that called a “Ror-shat Test”?
“The McRib is BLACK!” —Republican McDonald’s
Vegans in ancient Egypt worshiped a deity named Almond-Raw.
The Netherlands is my favorite country named after a crotch euphemism.
Was there ever an incident during which a brave black woman refused to give up her seat on the Bang Bus?
If a girl gets a tattoo on her lower back while on her period, it’s called a “cramp stamp.”
If a girl gets a tattoo on her lower back of her father’s father who fought in the war, it’s called a “gramp stamp.”
May have eaten a big plate of Thai food for lunch, but my stomach feels more like Vietnam.
Transgender contestant comes up short in Miss Universe Canada pageant, but judges say just showing up took balls.
As a means for self-improvement, striving to find more routine in my life. Sorry, poutine. Typo. I’m striving for more French fries & gravy.
Anyone else think ‘Zero Bark Thirty’ looked a little intense for an Air Bud movie?
Skyfall was cool, but I’m more excited for the next James Bond movie, in which 007 saves the world using nothing but gadgets from SkyMall.
MY OWN SHIT
Doesn’t it drive you up a fucking wall when dopes forget 6 exclamation marks are in no way a grammatical equivalent to a question mark!!!!!!
My girlfriend was out of town this weekend, so I didn’t end up going to Codependentchella.
Passover must feel more like Christmas for homeless alcoholics named Elijah who can tell an open door from a closed one.
Glad Moses didn’t slip up and say “Let YOU people go” before freeing the Israelites; Pharaoh would’ve made a whole spiel over it.
“Creative juices” is just a nice way of saying “Jizz.”
How can getting high & devouring a pile of cheap Chinese food while watching a 60 Minutes piece on Sudan feel so wrong, yet taste so right?
Women talk about having “food babies” after eating too much, so why don’t they talk about having “semen babies” after getting too pregnant?
If I ever learn to properly fold a fitted sheet, it’ll prolly tear a hole in the space-time continuum & I’ll end up in Narnia or some shit.
We’re so blessed to live in a country where all races have the opportunity to perpetuate their own negative stereotypes on reality shows.
Tell your kid what you want when you get a divorce in a few years, but it’s absolutely positively his fault I unfollowed you on Instagram.
If a vegan picks his nose, is he allowed to eat it?
Do hipsters celebrate Independence Day at Colonial Williamsburg?
I got laid via Twitter once. I came in 140 characters. Things didn’t pan out between us, though— that’s a lotta personalities for one girl.
Newsflash for celebrity molestation victims: Quit your bitching, you got molested by a CELEBRITY. My gym teacher was a fucking GYM TEACHER.
Anthropologie, from a guy’s perspective: “Thanks to blaring music & various potent aromas, farts are virtually undetectable here.”
I bet Odysseus would sail another decade upon the stormiest of seas to bitch slap every last one of you who misuses “epic” on a daily basis.
Statistically speaking, people who say “It’s five o’ clock somewhere” are correct 1.67% of the time… and white trash 100% of the time.
NEW RULE: If a cop pulls me over for using my phone while driving but my tweet makes him laugh, no ticket. Also, I get to fire his gun.
“It’s 11:42 AM somewhere.” —REAL alcoholics
When we were kids, they told us the first place to go in the event of an earthquake was under a table; now it’s Twitter.
OkCupid added a new feature called “Crazy Blind Date,” though most regular non-blind dates on OkCupid are already plenty crazy.
Having your car in the shop all day is like having your kids abducted, except you don’t have to pay out the ass to have your kids abducted.
I do try to treat my body like a temple. I just happen to do so like a suicide bomber when it’s full capacity on a major religious holiday.
Phew, thanks for informing me online you’re checked in at the gym; your physique kept telling me in person you were checked in at Chili’s.
Who’s coming over for my 9/11 party this year? We’re all gonna wear refrigerator boxes and get fall-down drunk.
You can hire cheap day laborers outside Home Depot for landscaping; can you also hire cheap day laborers outside Supercuts for manscaping?
When a real pizza delivery guy delivers a pizza to a guy playing a pizza delivery guy on a set, is that Pornception?
Taco Bell has shrimp now. It too is only 30% beef.
I wonder how many politicians have tried singing “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there” after accidentally killing a stripper.
If you think $68 for Louis Vuitton condoms is absurd, wait until you see what hipsters are paying for used Members Only condoms.
In LA, double rainbows mean you’re twice as likely to get rear-ended by some chick who just couldn’t wait to get home to Instagram that shit
The Hare Krishna buffet down the street from my place is so tasty, I want to take some to the airport and share it with reluctant strangers!
I often worry feminists will never take me seriously because I once got a BJ from Rosie the Riveter in the kitchen at a Halloween party.
Is there a Tumblr offering wine pairings for prescription drugs? “Xanax goes delightfully with something light & fruity like Pinot grigio.”
In an attempt to save the Earth, I tried folding toilet paper into a Mobius strip this morning. Definitely not infinite.
People with AOL or Hotmail addresses probably stil think African-Americans should use separate water fountains.
Not to rain on anyone’s parade, but when Bob Marley got a message from those three little birds, he was probably high off his ass on reefer.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve gotten drunk with my time-traveling child yet.
My favorite thing about waiting in line at a food truck is listening to hipsters complain about all the hipsters in line for a food truck.
Long embraces in busy shopping centers are a nice way to show the world your love (is solely dependent on your boyfriend buying you things).
FUN FACT: I won my 7th grade presidential election by 1 vote (because I promised free bagels and killed the terrorist kid in my homeroom).
I wonder how a Mormon goes about choosing which wife to list as “Married to” on Facebook. Must suck for the other seven.
Bummed ESPN won’t return my emails, I’m always coming in last in my fantasy suicide bomber keeper league.
Not to brag, but I’ve had dreams take place in some pretty fancy condos.
Is anyone ACTUALLY surprised Diet Dr. Pepper has zero calories? Are you even remotely AWARE of how tasty they can make chemicals these days?
So unfair that when I have no choice but to notice certain people perpetuating negative stereotypes, I’m the one who feels like the asshole.
The best back-to-back alphabetical pairing among my DVD collection has to be Hotel Rwanda/How High.
“You can’t spell Thanksgiving without THC, man!” —Stoners on Black Friday
Every morning in traffic, I look for a Volkswagen Beetle with a 27 little window decals of stick figure clowns.
Confucius once said “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” Graduating from ASU will also do the trick.
When did it become “cute” for women in their twenties to have the penmanship of a 7-year-old with Parkinson’s?
Last week, my dad said “TMI” at dinner. Just now, my mom texted me “OMG.” Does this mean I can put them in a home now?
Groupon is useless to me 95% of the time, as I fall outside their target “Fat, vain women who require constant skin therapy” demographic.
Watching child prodigies play sports is inspiring to me. Namely as a reminder that despite their fundamentals, I can still beat their ass.
Ate a Pay Day after lunch today. Irony is surprisingly delicious.
When life gives you lemons, quit bitching about getting lemons. There are starving kids in Africa who only WISH they could eat those lemons.
How terrible and life-ruining do my jokes have to get to get their own awareness day?
Forget lemonade; if kids want to make real money, all they need to do is set up shop near movie sets and sell smokes to extras.
Subway’s tuna sandwich is the best thing to happen to cat food since Fancy Feast started serving that shit in fine crystal.
Fun fact: I lost my virginity on April Fools’ Day. I’m still not sure if it counted.
I like my coffee like I like my women: hot, caffeinated, and all over my crotch when sitting in traffic.
FACT: 99% of people who like piña coladas are unbearable company with which to get caught in the rain.
“Whatever, man. I celebrated 12/12/12 on 11/11/11.” —Hipsters
“In my day, sending a woman your wiener “online” required a fishing pole & hook. And boy howdy, did it hurt.” —Pervy grandpa
If it came down to finding the cure for AIDS or a way to make Panda Express orange chicken healthy, well, I don’t have AIDS.
My blackouts are like Hardy Boys mysteries without the discoveries or homoerotic undertonesand way more cigarettes.
Dear Craigslist re-re-re-posters: your mastery of Googling synonyms for “classy” does not change the fact that your furniture is fuck ugly.
I have an abusive relationship with my work PC: I beat it mercilessly, but neighboring co-workers don’t want to get involved and keep quiet.
Don’t like eating alfalfa sprouts? Think of them as Mother Nature’s pubes. That should help.
I’d write about something other than past relationships if more of the rest of my life involved sexual deviance fueled by drugs and Judaism.
Secret Santa is a subsidiary of Alcoholics Anonymous, right?
Too many LA drivers got hosed by car salesmen with the classic “Magic force field that won’t let other drivers see you eating boogers” scam.
Fun fact: the speed limit in Santa Cruz, CA is 4.20 MPH.
Amazing & depressing how I’ll spend 20 minutes perfecting a text message, yet ask me to write my own script and I’d rather be waterboarded.
The best way to judge a person is by the number of his or her favorite shows getting cancelled.
The fact that half my online passwords include the name of a Mexican dish speaks volumes about me as a person.
Growing up in a slightly less upper-middle class part of Santa Monica, Mama always told me “You’re only as good as your number of retweets.”
If I’d received a nickel for every minority I saw in Newport, Rhode Island, I couldn’t have mailed you a postcard.
I’m quite proud of the fact that Los Angeles’ immediate reaction to our own earthquake was to make fun of New York.
Drugs, misogyny, who cares? I’m disappointed in rappers for not yet sampling the “I feel like Chicken Tonight!” jingle.
Santa Ana must have been the patron saint of warm, forceful blowjobs.
Guys— the “[Location], I’m inside you” thing isn’t funny. (Unless you’re putting your dick in landmarks or visiting a town called Vagina.)
Anyone else have that mental block where you can’t go to the bathroom with someone watching? It takes me forever to crap in urinals.
Went into some store called “Free People,” saw a baby I liked in a stroller and took him home. GEE SORRY, DIDN’T KNOW BABIES AREN’T PEOPLE.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to put 4 little cookies in a bag and mark it “100 calories” is, simply put, an asshole.
GUYS: [Graphic photoshopped by someone else of someone else’s words over someone else’s artwork to express how I and ONLY I feel today.]
GUYS: my phone was hacked. Photos of my 18-pack abs are real, but photos of me crying into a bean burrito in the shower are obviously fake.
If I knew I was gonna die, my bucket list would be: 6 legs, 6 breasts, and the rest skin. All extra crispy. Covered in mac n’ cheese.
Hearing “exhaustion” over and over as a reason to enter rehab has me thinking more people should be in rehab for lack of a creative excuse.
Outraged at the notion of Instagram (or anyone) profiting off my friends’ sepia-toned iPhone screenshots of banal text message conversations
My dream jobs include providing subtly racist monikers for Trader Joe’s products or naming strains of marijuana.
When I have sex on Yom Kippur, I like to call it “Takin’ it to the Atone Zone.”
POP CULTURE / CELEBRITIES
You can’t exactly blame Reebok for dropping Rick Ross. Based on his physique, dude’s down to “Every other Friday I’m hustlin’,” at best.
Has anyone called Honey Boo Boo “2 JonBenét Ramseys in a 1 Jonbenet Ramsey bag” yet?
Gwyneth Paltrow being named the world’s most beautiful woman is all the proof experts need to suggest we’re still balls deep in a recession.
BREAKING: Record-high 33% of all current rap songs include reference to having sex with Kim Kardashian.
Got a leaked Mad Men series finale script! SPOILER: Bert Cooper joins Facebook, leaves agency to tend to Japanese rock garden on Farmville.
Boobs made it into the opening credits for Season 3. Savvy move, Game of Thrones.
Adopting a cat and naming it “Downton Tabby” is the most convincing argument yet in favor of me adopting a cat.
Anyone named Marge who’s still alive probably has dementia by now, in which case every month is MARGE MADNESS!
If John Cusack played ‘Solsbury Hill’ on his boombox in Say Anything instead of ‘In Your Eyes,’ he would’ve ended up banging John Mahoney.
Once this scandal blows over, Manti Te’o will become a ratings sensation as The Bachelor— namely because he’ll think he’s finding real love.
Fun fact: Sublime originally wanted to call their infamous song ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside,’ but that was taken, so they went with ‘Date Rape.’
Shazammed a hobo jacking off & puking at the same time in my parking garage this morning. Apparently it’s Ke$ha’s new single.
For those of you who can’t afford the Mad Men collection at Banana Republic, there’s always the Wire collection, exclusively at Goodwill.
Pete Townshend must be so sick of hearing ‘Let My Love Open the Door’ in trailers for crappy rom-coms. Clearly, it’s meant for a rape scene.
How long before they rename Down syndrome “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”?
Did anyone ever sue Ice Cube for instructing them “You can do it, put your back into it!” when they should’ve been lifting with their legs?
‘Life of Pi’ was a cinematic triumph, but would’ve made more way money if it’d been called ‘Extreme Catsitting’ and aired on TLC.
Too bad Spielberg never made ‘Craigslist,’ the story of Oskar Schindler’s brother Craig, who resold thousands of used chairs during WW2.
Just came up with a totally badass window decal for my car: Calvin pissing on a urinal.
When Chris Brown posts retro-filtered photos on Instagram, he bears a shocking resemblance to Ike Turner.
Can’t wait to watch Tilda Swinton star in Rick Astley’s biopic, which will start up unexpectedly, 5 minutes into another movie.
Glee’s musical numbers make me uncomfortable like watching WW2-themed softcore porn with a Holocaust survivor grandparent in the room.
I like to think that whenever Jay-Z wants Beyoncé to make him a sandwich or get him a glass of milk, he makes sure to call her Sasha Fierce.
Halle Berry and her baby daddy fighting furiously over whether their kid is black or not? Two words, guys: college applications.
In Los Angeles, “that time of the month” refers to Lindsay Lohan court appearances.
Never seen Twilight, so I’m assuming the only reason angsty vampires are attracted to Kristen Stewart is that she’s constantly menstruating.
If abortion is murder, how come Angela Lansbury never got a spin-off called ‘Abortion, She Wrote’?
Phillip Phillips did far better on American Idol than his parents did on So You Think You Can Name A Child.
I shot a man in Reno once, but only because he was buying his handicapped daughter a Justin Bieber CD.
“Don’t need no credit card to ride this train…” —Hookers from Huey Lewis era who still only take cash
Does IKEA in Sweden sell chairs and bookcases with wacky American names like Carl and Adam and Jermajesty?
Based on the opening lyrics, Simon & Garfunkel’s ‘Sound of Silence’ must end up being a giant letdown for Kim Kardashian.
When Meat Loaf sang “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that,” “that” probably meant “work out.”
Lena Dunham looks like she’s wearing Kerri Strug on the red carpet tonight. Literally. No clue how she stretched her skin out like that.
Oh, Frank Ocean is a PERSON? I figured people had finally complained enough about the Indian Ocean having a racially insensitive name.
Fun fact: It’s scientifically impossible for human beings to achieve orgasm with The Lumineers playing.
The thing is, Gotye, we DID have to cut you off. Trust me, everyone’s far better off now that you’re somebody that we used to know.
Received an email from my mom this morning signed “I love you, Magic Mike.” (At least I think I was the intended recipient.)
Did anyone ever consider looking for Carmen San Diego in San Diego? Surely she had to have family there. Or Tijuana.
People who casually use the word “hipster” to denote tasteless people more than likely have every Taylor Swift breakup song on their iPod.
Glad Martin Luther King didn’t live to see some of the crap on TV today, but ‘Flavor of MLK’ & ‘I Have a Dream Girl’ would’ve been awesome.
BREAKING: Adam Levine calls Honey Boo Boo “decay of Western civilization,” thus admitting never hearing single Maroon 5 song in its entirety
According to Rodney King’s death report, PCP, cocaine, booze and weed CAN’T all get along.
I generally won’t watch a show whose title starts with “Millionaire” unless followed by “Being Clawed to Death for a Scone by a Hungry Hobo.”
Paris Hilton says gays who have sex with strangers “probably have AIDS.” Also, strangers who have sex with Paris Hilton probably have AIDS.
When Tom Petty sings “You don’t know how it feels to be me,” he’s right. Unless you’ve tried to fuck a beer bottle while tripping on acid.
I enjoy Mumford & Sons as much as the next fellow, but no way in hell one of those dudes is the other three’s father.
Whenever I see Transformers hood ornaments & decals on crappy cars, I wait for them to turn into unemployed Autobots with drinking problems.
Hostess may be going out of business, but Twinkies, Sno Balls & Ding Dongs will live on forever as fixtures of West Hollywood’s club scene.
If I could turn back time, I’d never have seen Cher’s video for If I Could Turn Back Time as a child. No child deserves to see that.
Idea for a Glee spin-off: hipster teens hang out or whatever, smoke cloves, sing only leaked songs. Call it ‘MEH.’
The only way I’d ever watch Real Housewives would be if each season culminated in a game of Russian roulette inside a trendy restaurant.
Congrats to Homeland’s Mandy Patinkin on locking up next year’s Teen Choice Award for Best Mourner’s Kaddish.
Bruce Springsteen’s music makes me wish I’d grown up in Jersey. Jersey makes me glad I didn’t.
Thomas Haden Church’s initials are T.H.C. because NO SHIT.
BREAKING: Royal Family sues French tabloid for publishing photos of Kate Middleton having a single responsibility.
“Mike & Molly” was CBS’ 3rd title for that show. Their first 2 choices were “Big Love” & “Two and a Half Men,” but both were taken.
Before you rush to call Octomom a disgusting pig, please take into consideration that pigs are delicious.
The JFK assassination would’ve been much funnier if it’d been with a pie. (Or multiple pies, depending on whom you choose to believe.)
Today I learned you can’t say “faggy” on E!, which is like not being able to say “sports” on ESPN.
If Anne Hathaway is suuuch a great actress, why can’t she do “subtle”?
Is there a medical term for the way Kristen Stewart’s mouth is stuck, or should I just keep calling it “Chronic Bitch Lip”?
Anyone else out there watch Dancing with the Stars for the fresh, original takes on their favorite classic rock & pop songs?
If anything, society should thank Rebecca Black. You guys have any idea how many pedophiles she permanently ruined 13-year-olds for?
Shocked by the number of Jews excited to spend $300 on 3 days of waiting in line with no proper toilets at Coachella. AND IT’S IN AN OVEN.
Oscar-related street closures make Hollywood annoying as fuck, unlike the other 51 weeks of the year, when Hollywood is annoying as fuck.
Reading about Gabourey Sidibe being all rude & diva-like makes me that much more okay with laughing when Precious fell down the stairs.
Having a birthday or anniversary on Groundhog Day really must feel like the same crap over and over every year.
Have scientists determined an exact date when Mark McGrath turned into Guy Fieri yet?
It breaksmy heart that Gandhi never got to see a Cheesecake Factory.
Both Paula Deen’s favorite shot and favorite sex game are “buttery nipples.”
You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows, and you don’t need a confession or Oprah to know OJ did that shit.
Watching A League of Their Own; Kit is such a dunce for pitching to Dottie w/ first base open & 2 out. This is why chicks can’t play baseball.
Katt Williams slapped a Target employee in the face, which pretty much makes him Rosa Parks for anyone who’s ever been inside a Target.
Barkevious Mingo is the first Barkevious drafted in the first round; Peyton’s brother Barkevious Manning went in the 3rd in 2010.
“I could hit that.” —Every delusional pedophile watching the Little League World Series
Tim Tebow’s gonna be heartbroken when he finds out his dead boyfriend Jesus is made up.
I only watch soccer in HD because at least that way I can watch the grass grow.
If Baltimore’s cheerleaders aren’t called “The Edgar Allan Hoez,” why even have cheerleaders?
The Sox-Yankees rivalry is like watching two frat boys fighting over a passed out freshman and I don’t care which one gets it.
It’s shameful we live in a country where 22 men in brightly colored, skin-tight pants can dry hump each other on a field but not marry.
After hearing about Alex Rodriguez banging all these hot chicks and Cameron Diaz, I’m shocked and disappointed to learn he’s a PED-ophile.
If anything, Ben Roethlisberger belongs in Canton for singlehandedly starting the “using air quotes when saying ‘alleged’ movement.”
Being a Raider fan is like having a deadbeat dad who shows up once a year, gets drunk, beats your mom and steals the car. On Thanksgiving.
Nothing says “taxpayer money efficiently spent” like a fleet of fighter jets flying over a closed dome on Super Bowl Sunday.
In the wake of the Manti Te’o scandal, I hope Notre Dame launches an investigation regarding Charlie Weis’ “diet” while he was coach.
Lakers’ next coach should be 3 midgets named Mike, Dan & Tony standing on each others’ shoulders in a tall suit. Worst case, better defense.
There is no finer example of sportsmanship than when a bat boy hands shards of a broken bat to an opposing bat boy instead of stabbing him.
I love my country, but enduring God Bless America every 7th inning stretch at every baseball game is a total Al-Qaeda victory.
National Signing Day: when promising young athletes commit to play ball at colleges they don’t know are in states they can’t find on a map.
I bet the Stanley Cup feels like it has a ton of deadbeat dads and just wants to be loved.
I’d hate to be the recovering alcoholic on of the ‘72 Dolphins who has to drank Martinelli’s when the last undefeated NFL teams wins.
The closest Bud Light will ever get a lucky fan to the “NFL experience” is a DUI and maybe unprotected sex with a drunk ASU freshman.
Peyton Hillis says he’s been taunted during games for being a white running back. He must’ve misheard— it’s for being a Browns running back.
OLD HEADLINES / POLITICS
BREAKING: Putin to ban Americans from adopting Russian children unless they provide loving home inside several increasingly larger children.
Gaddafi committed a litany of atrocities in his lifetime, but few hold a candle to that ‘Smooth’ song he did with Rob Thomas. Just terrible.
It’s hard to believe America won World War II in standard definition, yet we struggle so mightily to win the War on Terror in HD.
With Measure B in place, do anime porn stars also have to wear condoms in California now?
Mitt Romney lost the election, but at least he was Pitchfork’s favorite dubstep album of 2012.
People in New York freaking out every time they get an earthquake is even worse than people in LA freaking out every time we get a 9/11.
Mitt Romney didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, but he did try to buy it back in the ’80s so he could use it as an ottoman.
21-year-old Florida man with 5 prior arrests caught playing on a football team for ages 13-14. He will be charged with living the dream.
In case you’re wondering, Facebook is down because the National Spelling Bee is the Super Bowl for the people who should be fixing Facebook.
Paul Ryan looks like the teacher who transfers to a troubled urban high school on a FOX drama, dies in the finale, and you’re not sad.
Wanted to get my dad a new hip as a gag gift for his 65th birthday but thanks to Obamacare, I couldn’t afford it.
If you think Barack Obama nailed ‘Let’s Stay Together,’ just wait until you hear NewtGingrich gargle out ‘Brown Sugar’!
Chris Christie just walked 20 feet to the podium, and boy is his entire body tired.
Obama’s biggest failure as president has been his inability to urge Americans to become less dependent on commercials with talking babies.
Irate that same-sex marriage is still banned in CA, yet straight people can force me to listen to the Black Eyed Peas every time I call them.
Herman Cain’s “9-9-9” plan probably had to do with the attractiveness of the women he groped. Way catchier than “2-1-2-0.7” though.
“What do gay horses eat?” “The very fabric of horse society.” —Mitt Romney’s favorite joke
Bin Laden may be dead, but it’s 4:27 PM and I still can’t get an Egg McMuffin. Terrorists win.
If the GOP is so anti-gay, why are they so anti-sending-gays-to-die-in-their-greed-fueled-war? Isn’t that a win-win by their standards?
“When’s Obama gonna mention the good things I did?” —John Boenher inner monologue, reflecting upon winning the Pinewood Derby at age 8.
Think those Chilean miners ever fought over who got to be the mayor of the mine on Foursquare?
Happy Easter to everyone who believes in rabbits fucking chickens but not same-sex marriage!
Cleveland Cavs offer job to homeless man with golden voice. Only a matter of time before he takes his bindle to South Beach.
During the Egyptian uprising I prayed they wouldn’t harm landmarks like the Pyramids, the Sphinx & the Pizza Hut 300 yards from the Sphinx.
In addition to housing 31 oz. of hot, caffeinated piss, Starbucks’ Trenta size has the same calling capabilities as an iPhone: none